Real vs Reel

...sometimes you have something you need to say but you can't, because the words won't come out or you get scared or you feel stupid. So, if you could write a song and sing it, then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself. But all of us can't be songwriters, so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know we're thinking, so we'll never be able to get the chance to make things right again...

Rory Gilmore

It's funny, I always think of Gilmore Girls on June 3rd. That is because it was supposed to be the wedding day of "Luke" and "Lorelai" but it was postponed indefinitely. My life tends to go that way, always a mixture of what I've seen or read and what is reality. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Partly because I now have a roommate that is not a big fan of TV or film, something I find about as mind boggling as he does when I schedule my life around being able to watch something. I don't see his life as necessarily more fulfilling, but maybe it's a little more real.

I also have been thinking about what can be considered reality lately. Sometimes life seems as real as a reality show on TV -- the cameras may not be around, but people are certainly playing a part. I've recently been sharing stories of heartaches, both mine and others, and how when one person is not telling the truth, when they are hiding something substantial from the other, that it feels like the whole relationship was a lie. The feelings that you have for the other person are suddenly cheapened, no matter how real they were, they suddenly feel like a mistake.

Then again, most of the time when this is going on, there is a little part of us inside that knows things are not right; and we usually ignore it until it is too late. I know in my past relationships that is certainly the case.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this -- I have so much to say but hardly know how to say it. In reality I'm scared to say it. In a movie, my words would be complimented by a swelling score and perfect lighting. Words that will probably invoke heartache and broken dreams would instead be returned and a fade out to happily ever after would await me. I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm guessing nothing out of a typical romantic comedy.

What I do know is that I have been living in a world of "reality" for far too long. I have taken the easy way out, living life sitting in the audience. I am terrifed what being an active participant in my own story will bring. I might have to do some serious acting first; but maybe life in the big picture will turn out to be pretty real afterall.